How to retreat to move forward.

Boundaries, concentration & propulsion

I am utterly useless right now.

I can see this by scanning back across the last few weeks in my notebook—

Nothing. Nothing. Checklist. Nothing. Exhausted morning brain dump of existential distress that ends mid-sentence. Nothing.

Life has been hot-project-deadline after dumpster fire interspersed with fun but exhaustingly full weekends. (Also, this little cat will not let us sleep past 4am dear god.) My mind and body are fried.

Like— I am a garbage monster.

Luckily, I anticipated this a couple months back and planned myself some summer “creative retreats” — and the first one is next week.

Boundary Work is Work!

I’ve been practicing ways to roll-my-own retreats for years.

First, I will say: it is hard.

“Retreats”, a little voice whispers, are for rich people who can afford to tell the world to fuck off for days and weeks at a time and I have never identified as part of that demographic. Who am I to truly prioritize art & reflection???

As someone who produces creative retreats for other people, I often joke that the kind of “retreat” I design is just marketing spin for what is actually an “intensive”. And how you’re wired might draw you to one of those words over the other.

I’m an intensive kind of person. Give me a sprint, a deep-dive, a power-sesh any time. But I make myself use the word “retreat” because it reminds me that I’m creating a boundary— stepping back from the default world— actually retreating into another realm.

When I’m really lucky I get to travel to neutral territory for these. My creative partner Cam has handed me the keys to his apartment-with-the-riverfront-pool on several occasions and the work I get done there is glorious. I will gladly take care of someone else’s cat for a week in exchange for distance from my own cats (and piles of clothes and unopened bills and straggling projects) at home.

But often the “retreat” just has to be mental. We’re ducking away to a camping spot for a couple days to celebrate the Solstice, which marks the anniversary of my father’s death. But before that I’m retreating right here in the same corner of our flat where I cry and send emails and make a giant mess every day.

So what does retreating like this really mean?

I wrote myself a list—

• Sacred Containment!!! Make each day of the retreat feel different from default life. Decide how you want to wake up, spend the day, and how you want to feel when you go to sleep in this alternate realm. (Opening ceremony, tend a retreat altar, wear a special painting costume…)

• No rent-free work living in my head/ sneaking into my emails/texts. Mentally & technologically divorce from ongoing projects by any means necessary. Do not paint and secretly also be composing work emails in your head.

• Make a plan for falling off the wagon: Announce your intentions to everyone that can help you hold the boundary. Have accountability (I’ll be posting daily updates in the June Community Chat to help myself with this).

• Prepare your materials & set the stage. Retreating at home is all about creating space and maintaining focus. Part of my prep this weekend will be to organize my studio bench like I would for a group of students— making it very easy to pick up materials and make, make, make stuff. I’ll do some meal prep and tend to stupid housework & errands before and after but not during the retreat.

• Define your goals, set intentions. My notes to myself for this retreat are: Experimentation, iteration & discovery! Botany & landscapes: Paint with abandon! Don’t be precious! USE ALL THE PAPER!!!! Also: Remember to turn your brain off and actually rest between sessions!!!!!!

Okay, WHY?

Yes the idea of “taking a retreat” is luxurious by definition. But why else?

Well, for one, I have past experience to point to that proves the profound up-leveling that transpires every single time I manage to make one of these happen. The extraordinary poetry that pours out, the astonishing revelations that emerge with force from the middle of my immersion. The vivid & mystical dreams I dream at night. EVERY TIME!

I try to approximate this mental-physical-mystical-creative space at least once a quarter now because EVERY TIME it makes a massive difference in my life. It makes a difference in my mental state, my physical state, in my creative skillset, for my output— everything.

Much like the post-psychedelic afterglow, I also find that the meaning and power of these retreats reveal themselves in curious and amazing ways for weeks/months/years afterward. This is the mysterious energy that propels me & my work forward. Engaging with this energy with ever more skill and intention has served me well.

Is this a gift you give to yourself, too?

How do you do it?

And for those of you who don’t yet:

What would your ideal no-to-low-cost, roll-your-own creative retreat/intensive look like? Can you write it down? How can you make it happen?

Come hang out with me in the chat next week and let’s talk about it! Buddy system! My goal is to immerse for as much of Monday-Thursday as possible. SO MOTE IT BE!!!

PS—

Six of you reached out to me separately after last week’s email with incredibly kind feedback and love. That’s definitely never happened before! Given that you don’t all know one another, I am forced to accept that, for some reason, you each chose to reach out of your own free will…

I admit to being somewhat cosmically baffled by it— I kept wondering, what signal did I secretly send that invited so much brave and tender positive reinforcement from so many wonderful people all at once??!

I’ve spoken to each of you individually, but to everyone who’s read this far I’d like to say:

Thank you for being with me. Thank you for letting me know you’re paying attention & that something of what I offer is bringing you real value. This is an enormous gift that makes me clutch at my heart in gratitude— thank you.